From my conception to my actions, my entire life has been a mistake. Maybe I’ve got nothing because I deserve nothing. Maybe I deserve everything I’ve got. Maybe I’ve got more than I deserve. It doesn’t matter. Nothing it’s gonna make it right. No one is gonna make it right. No one can make it right but me, but I don’t think I will ever be able to do anything right. I fear I’ll never be able to make things right.
I have always had a problem with putting to words the thoughts I have in mind. Words are… well, somehow eternal, aren’t they? Once you say something, or write something down, it is what it is, and it doesn’t change unless you take it back, erase it, rewrite it - and even if you do so, you won’t exactly be able to repair the damage that those words might have caused.
It’s complicated. It’s complicated to put to words something that isn’t concrete, and that changes with the weather, such as my thoughts. Whenever I try to explain how I feel, or even try to write down whatever I have in mind, I feel… Guilty. I feel guilty because I know that this feeling isn’t going to last. When I put it to words, I feel like I’m sealing a pact, and now I’m obligated to maintain that feeling or that thought, to remain feeling or thinking the same way, otherwise I won’t be a truthful person. I can’t.
The more I think, the more I realize that what I’ve said and wrote isn’t exactly as it is, and I usually come to the conclusion that it was nothing but a momentary feeling or thought, and that maybe I don’t really feel that way or that thought doesn’t make that much sense. Inconstant. Yes. I guess we all are. How many times have I been told “I love you” and then had that taken back like it meant nothing? It hurt. Words can do that. Words can tear people apart and I don’t feel comfortable with putting to words something that I know it might change. It’s hard.
With that being said, I realize how mindless this is. We need to express ourselves. So what if it changes? It doesn’t make it any less truthful - it is how we felt or what we thought when we said or wrote it, right? And so it begins, I already feel like erasing everything, giving up, going to bed and locking myself where I’m safe and free - my own mind. I won’t. After all, that’s the whole point of this blog - forcing myself to let my inner voice speak without the guilt of my inconstancy getting in the way… I really should leave before I end up erasing everything, though. Well, that was a start. Ciao!